I’ve Done Enough Inner Work, Thanks
I’m 50. I’m tired. And I’m officially stepping off the personal growth hamster wheel.
I’ve done it all. Journaled. Meditated. Hydrated like it was a job. Visualized my best self until I couldn’t even stand her. I’ve sat in therapy and unpacked so many childhood traumas I could catalog them with dewey decimal codes. I’ve shadow-worked, chakra-balanced, breath-worked, and inner-child healed.
I’m not saying it didn’t help. Some of it did. Some of it was even necessary.
But I’ve reached a point where I no longer want to revolve my entire existence around “fixing” myself. I’m flawed. Deeply, beautifully, sometimes embarrassingly flawed — and that’s okay. I’ve earned the right to put down the mirror and look out the damn window.
Because there are bigger things out there than me.
Like the case.
Like injustice.
Like stories that were never told right the first time.
Lately, I’ve found so much more purpose — and peace, honestly — in diving into something that’s not about me. I don’t need another course on how to raise my vibration. I need truth. I need accountability. I need to know that even if I don’t reach total enlightenment, maybe I helped shine a light on something that was meant to stay buried.
Self-help culture is so obsessed with becoming your highest self. But what if your highest self is just… someone who gives a damn about someone else?
That’s where I’m at.
I’m not saying I’m giving up on growth entirely. But I am giving up on the cult of constant self-optimization. No more overanalyzing my every thought. No more trying to be some serene, pastel-filtered woman of grace and gratitude who never rolls her eyes or yells at the news.
I’m just going to do the work. Not on myself. On something that matters.
So if you’re tired too, you’re not alone. Come sit next to me. We’ll be imperfect together — and maybe we’ll get some real shit done.
Totally agree with everything you said. I love it how you called it the cult of self-optimization; it makes one incredibly self-centered and sends you on a wild goose chase for perfection for the sake of perfection, leaving no place for authenticity (true empathy, warmth, communication, compassion and sharing) — or at least that’s how I feel about it. There’s beauty in embracing imperfection; the Japanese have a special term for it, wabi-sabi, and I feel it’s a so much deeper concept than the constant compulsive urge to upgrade yourself. You’re beautiful and precious here and now, just the way you are, and you make this planet a more special place because there’s no one like you — you make this puzzle that our life is complete. It’s also true that inner work (whatever methods you choose) might prove useful in helping you to actually hear yourself and understand who you are and what you really want; it’s an instrument that might greatly help you on your journey but it’s not the journey itself. Thank you for another great post! 🩵
And they (being consensus among psychology professionals?), finally came to the conclusion, the talk therap just perpetuates the energy and the feeling of the trauma and the negativity, and you get stuck, and that cycle of self-pity victimization, all that good shit. I can relate cause. I don't kn besides turning the 60 this year. It's like, yeah, I'm tired of that crap. I have other things to think about.
& recentley found your YouTube videos.
On an energy level, I related to Kurt & his music. Like many have! So many.. I think back in 1994 or prior, when Nirvana, hitting success & popularity, He came from my age group. I also started school up in Washington in Lynnwood, I remember jp patcheson Saturday morning Seattle kid show, and all that. So I related to his pain about this parentsl divorce, abuse, being neglected, etc et cetera, and then... transforming that to angst through his art, music , locals and his sculptures. And He was a rags to riches, going from unpopular , poor, revenge of the nerd thing,... ( as my meditation teacher therapist told me, those symbolize matching pictures on an energy level.)
and then he dies, dammit ! 😭😢 & then have that metaphysical dream thing happen.. Sorry if my grammar is off. Like said more of arts & math than literacy skills. 😁😎 anyhow, I do love your post! 💖